Before-note(i.e. before being fired in case higher echelons read this):Time and now, people have crossed me saying that my writing is funny and that it leaves them with smiles all over their pimpled faces. Well, I am not satisfied. I am still waiting for Katrina to come and confess the same(only the pimpled face gets replaced by silk ). It’s not that she has not read my blog, but that when she did, she was dating Salman Khan who threatened to kill me in case she goes out in public acclaiming my writing skills. And stung as she was with my infatuation, she restrained her words which these days are adding moisture to a lot of teen dreams. Anyway, the purpose of this post is not to brag about my writing skills. Its actual mission is to brag about how Katrina is smitten by me although she would not admit the same in public. Seriously, Kat, no offence. We can catch up later after you are done pampering kids like Ranbir and Imran!
Comprehension is a waste. I miss those days when I heard people praising Shakespeare without understanding one bit and claiming how (after hours and hours of roting on guide books) they came up with the idea that Caesar was gay or that Cassius conspired against Caesar because in teenage Caesar had hid his underwear in Calpurnia’s cupboard who finding the dirty piece of crap had incurred such wrath on Cassius that Shakespeare had to annotate how:
‘Hell hath no fury as a woman scorn’d over dirty underwear’.
Of course the latter part was removed to sanitize the saying and to allow dumb morons provide ample proof of their so called intellectualism in cocktail parties by wooing middle aged women with this stupid line. The joke, morons was on you. Only if you were Cassius and had not washed your underwear until the Ides of March. The purpose is not to deglamorise the Bard either. He rests happily in someone’s strong arms in peace.
The purpose my dear readers of this post is two-fold. Step one is filtering. The filtering is to filter readers who without having ample intellect have trampled upon my blog and have posted crazy comments (7 in total). I will employ Shakespeare, Dumas, Doyle and Kazka(I bet none of you morons have heard his name) to filter the people who have no consideration for the fact that Arundhati Roy has a weeping heart and that Anna Hazare is secretly conspiring with the Russian government to overthrow the British empire (Russians have finally acquiesced that the US is a pretty heavy enemy and they would much better concentrate their attention on the smaller countries which apparently have been playing really good cricket these days) Sources have also revealed that Dhoni had a small chat about the same after their terrible loss and that the fast is to divert too much of attention from India’s ignominy in the cricketing realms to the more important issues i.e., our favorite subject while travelling in trains, buses, tongas and auto rickshaws with morphed pictures of Aishwarya Rai with really enlarged boobs on one side and that of a God on the other: the System!
P.S.: The sentences will be really complicated and would herefore employ strange means like paraphrasing Shakespeare, Milton or Dumas and would encompass multiple subjects and talk of them glibly at the same time : for instance the rape of Lucrece which also affected the loss of virginity of Helen; the Greek Godess Elma’s step mom’s second cousin’s fifth daughter brought out of an alliance between the demons and the sub demons from the latin porn industry. The idea is to scare off the non intellectuals away and to retain the real jewels who are worthy of the important knowledge I am about to share with you. So if you are wondering why the text is still continuing in the post script and are trying to place the ‘script’ itself, off you go! Go home you idle creatures! Get you home! Go play with you sister’s Barbie and woo Himesh’s songs. Go study for high school and dance to the numbers of Elvis or bang your head on Heaven’s doors. The remaining who have appreciated this amalgamation of the Greek mythology and the Latin porn industry and feel Elma was wronged and betrayed I welcome thee with all my love and hereforth lead you into 5 simple steps to pretend being busy at work. It’s not that you people who have so ardently supported my writing in its troubling times, have no work. It is just that the phase of lack of work for you does not bear enough forbearance to dwell into thinking how to pretend being what you are not given that you are so true to yourself all the time!(Bazingaa!!)
Step 1) Ground Research is an important foundation which holds your employment in strong support. Do it more often.
I know the statement makes absolute sense to you. I know I do not need to speak more about this and that saying anything further or expatiating the bullet would only be an insult to your melon sized intellect which I have so solemnly patronized minutes ago. Yet bear with me my readers. I wish to speak!
The three keys to success are search, research and research some more. You have Google for the first point which searches almost anything from ‘nude scenes in Murder2’ to ‘Abhishek Bachhan’s secret gender change operation’. When you don’t have a lot of work but the pretence is necessary, try this. Type in all the even words of your Project’s name followed by the color of the west wall in your bought/rented/leased/usurped house and add a number which makes sense to your project and divides the total number of alphabets in your project title name leaving a remainder of no more than 5. Open all links in separate tabs. This you can do by right clicking on the link and clicking the ‘Open link in new tab’ options. Don’t be overwhelmed by the content. It is not for you. It is for your team to figure out unless you work alone in a secret chamber writing speeches for Sonia Gandhi. Copy the links and send it across to all your team members adding the subject line: “Additional resources for the project research”. This works instantly creating chaos in the team’s mind leading to an instantaneous representation of the pain you undertook in finding such random shit on the internet given that it’s full of so much useful information. Now shut down your laptop and hide it in the bag leaving the charger outside. Go get some tea. You have had a really tiring day and an extremely thrilling experience at work. Confused? That is step 2. Read on!
Step 2) Practice an appropriate abstraction and an even more appropriate exposure of hardware resources.
Now that you have come down to the tea stall wondering what you just did hiding your laptop in the bag and leaving the charger outside, just Relax! You are doing just fine. You are practicing the second most important step in ‘being busy’ representation (which I must say is completely different form being busy!! Ahh! The semantics of language!!)
What you did just now with your laptop (assuming that your employer is rich enough to provide you with one! People who work with desktops can forego this step! You have been wronged my friends! Go join hands with the ‘People’s Animal Lovers Society’ and crib about the lack of an appropriate multimedia device to work faster! Demand an i5 processor enabled laptop with high end graphics and faster i/o precision at 48.4X10^16 gigabytes of processor bandwidth, preferable in matt black color to boast of your company’s affluence) is called as ‘hardware abstraction’ and what you did with your charger is called as ‘hardware exposure’! Baffled? Don’t be!
You would have obviously heard of ‘data abstraction’ (not the one where we hide actual data from the client and churn numbers by applying a ‘rand()’ function in excel sheets). ‘Hardware abstraction’ is similar although. It means accidentally/intentionally hiding one/more of your resources which once powered on has the capability to print images, do calculations and make absurd noise when you try to poke your finger in the orifice at its side which apparently consumes the other resource which provides power source to this already powerful and complicated device. Now that we have our basics clear lets get to the point. When you are not at your seat but your laptop is out in the open has a possible syllogism attached: you have taken a pee/lunch/coffee/gaze at the girl in red break! Now when we are busy we would not let such theories thrive! Not over our dead bodies! So let’s hide our laptop. This tells that the disappearance has been an outcome of a compound effect of a need so immediate that the person forgot to carry his charger. This reeks of importance and of being busy. So all the while that you have been enjoying your tea under the shade of the banyan tree, people upstairs have been contemplating and associating your absence to an important meeting/presentation/rhetoric of your immediate requirement. See, you abstracted one resource and exposed other with utter regard for dishonesty but it made you the hero of the day in the minds of the people upstairs unless they are like you and have done the same and are sipping along side you staring at the same chick/guy in red!!
(Coming up next! Three more steps to practice pretence of busyness and to get the author fired, given that he has not been fired still! Until then chew on this sneak peak: ‘Mask your countenance with grieving and ailing faces when you come back from your tea break’)
P.S.: The following is not aimed at spreading any sort of chaos around office and is a fictional attempt of the author to write something on a windy Saturday evening. The purpose of the same should not be extended into other domains and should not be linked to any terrorist/anti terrorist activity outside. Also, the author holds all the celebrities, politicians, social activists, authors and Abhishek Bachhan mentioned in the post in high regards. Any distortion of the facts can lead to immediate suspension from the blog premises!!
