Confessions Of A Man In Love

A Faint Note:
Now before I begin any acclamations to mislead my naïve readers and they begin to prepare ground belief of my being involved in love, I would like to clear some air. This is an account of vexations of a friend of mine who caught this flu in early spring. He had his share of good and bad times which he recounted to me on a chilly October afternoon. It still doesn’t mean that I am not in love. Only that my being or not being in love would not make a hell of a difference because this is the story of my friend in love. And since I could not think of some fancy name for him (I still don’t want to dim his chances with other dates!) I took to the account with myself shouldering the desperation.

A Fainter Beginning:
Girlfriends I feel are a weird subject. Not that my assumption would make much of a difference (they actually are a total disaster). They are difficult to ‘talk of ’and ‘talk to’. Not that they make the talking point difficult but that they make it ridiculously damnable. Now, if you didn’t get along with me during the past couple of lines you missed the point in the first place. See they are difficult to ‘talk of’!

I had this one conversation with my girlfriend at the back of the alley about ‘relationships’. Know what? This is their favorite point of conversation to add some seriousness to the bondage which rests on the shoulders of an insolent bachelor and an equally dismissive mentally challenged counterpart.
So where are we heading to?
Did you say ‘rocks’?
And what more; this talk was a disguised attempt to discuss our own difficult, tottering world which we never confess except to ourselves when we have time and space to do so.
So she would begin the discourse. I will call it a discourse because when she is preaching you know by an eerie premonition that this is not a couple of minutes’ business and the slightest awkwardness in your face pattern may invoke a much awaited row.
So you have this one task at hand. You have to be patient and put on an expression of an involved and interested listener (for her of course) and at the same time keep thinking about every other pretty girl on this planet (for god’s sake you have your own self-respect to protect, don’t you?)

She would start with a friend of mine who lives just next door and is hooked up with a girl (of course) and they are having a difficult time together(of course!)
“Why do boys have to do all this?” she would splutter looking through your face and all that you could manage is to mutter a faint ‘yeah, why?’ while you are thinking about Julia Roberts in that skimpy skirt.
“Isn’t it harsh on your part to harass us girls in your own particular way by not talking to us?”
“Well yeah why?”(Sorry, that was for the last question)
“Well yes too bad!” (but don’t you think that it should be the other way round. why do you have to harass us boys by talking so much)

And she would go on speaking all bullshit that you could hear from any female rights supporter who have in their repertoire several of such dismissive comments and you would still keep saying some ‘yeah’ and ‘why’ with some faint movements of your eyes and hands. Apart that nothing moves. Neither your ideals nor your soul. And then she would hit upon the million dollar question with a special twinkle in her eyes as if she always waited for this one question to ask!
“Tell me; you won’t do this to me, no , ever?”
and you recover.
“Ah! No! Why darling, look we have been talking since the past couple of hours”
“Past 1 hour and 55 minutes, honey.”
“yeah! Correct; Look I just lost track time with you”( 5 minutes—they always make you pay.)
“You are so sweet honey; Love you soooo much.”
“Well… I love you too ..THEN!”
Hugs! Cheers! Battle won!
And all it took was a couple of yeahs and a faint “I love You too”.
And who said love is like walking on a sword. You just need to have your trekking shoes on and be accurate with your timing.



That was one thing. Girlfriends have another exceptional trait. They are consummate timers. They always know when you are watching your favorite movie/series. It is this one opportunity that they do not miss to call upon you. The phone rings as it always does. Only this time the caller takes you off your guard. The call of love is more challenging to take than the call of nature. You know you can’t ignore the call. And you walk out with the phone in your hand cursing practically no one and theoretically everyone.
Calm! Calm! Calm! It is just a phone call god damn it!
“Hello”
“Hello love! What you doing?”
“Ahh! Just waiting for your call ”(Man it hurts to lie!)
“Reallllyyyyyy!!” (whats with women, why do they long so much and prolong words soooooo much)
“yah sort of Really! Why did you call?”(big mistake! Lesson number 1: don’t ever ask your girlfriend this. You lost this right ages ago. Presumably after the first kiss. Presently you only serve and its better if you serve well. I mean you can question anyone’s motive but girlfriends ouch it pinches man! Just wait and see what happens or better try and see!)
“Why ? can’t I call you if I just wish to hear your voice. You are so heartless and non responsive and insensitive too!”(You get used to such adjectives. These are daily stuff)
“No darling, you can call anytime you wish. It is just that I was not expecting your call.”
“But you said you were waiting for my call.” (Damn! I suck at lies and more at hiding them)
“No …. I mean yeah .. well just that I was waiting…. and ..not expect..ing” (shit! Contradiction, will she fall for it! Maybe no , and when caught up in mess use the final weapon..) “ I… love …..you darling! ”(now take a deep breath .. ahhhhhhhh )
“Even I do but you become just so heartless at times that I wish to slap you”(Now ! in the name of heaven’s name , what was that? Cut it man, there are always advantages of having a dumb girlfriend.)

“ Yeah its just the pressure of the studies. I lose my self at times and am depressed.” (you have to blame it man on something you don’t do.)”So how is life?”
Girlfriends always wait for this question.

“ Nothing special. Know what we had an extended session on human anatomy and this Diya was all geared up with her boy friend at that back seat and they were presumably making dumb comments about the class teacher’s khaki shirt and I was not able to concentrate on the class about human respiratory system and I could not understand one bit and then had to break loose after the class on the couple who were again making lewd moves near the cafeteria’s big banyan tree. Hey! You know about the banyan tree. It is 39 years old ! can you imagine ?? so what was I telling you..??”

(wake up man!)
“Yeah something about Diya. Isn’t she the one who topped your class last year?” (another wrong question. Don’t discuss OTHER girls.)
“ How do you know ? you know about them always. So tell me how much I got in my bioinformatics paper during the second terminal?” (Sorry mam )
“I don’t know, probably.”
“38 ! ” she will ejaculate (not literally!)”How can you forget it , 3+8 is 11 and 1+1 is 2 and 11/2 is the date you kissed me for the first time!” (Gosh! Numbers . mathematics was never my area of expertise.)
“Yeah! Maybe, just slipped from my mind.”
“Yeah, such an important date. How can you forget it! You suck man and you suck big time.”
Beep . disconnected.
“Hey!!But what in the world happened to Diya behind the banyan tree?” and you can just keep guessing.
And the next impulsive action is that you jump into the room to see if Keanu Reeves got Sandra Bullock. By the way, we were watching The Lakehouse before all this started.

A Footnote: (please don’t trample upon it)
Now you can have an opinion but certain conditions exist. If you are a girl you can’t have an opinion even if you wish to because unfortunately you are a girl. You call me a male chauvinist pig but I don’t give a s**t . Now if you are a male and you agree with me that’s pretty presumptuous of me. But if you don’t , then probably you are not in love. And if you are in love and still disagree then you haven’t seen many winters in love. And if you are in a relationship for a long period and still don’t feel assertiveness for what my friend ( see I am back to my original self) felt in his ;then check your premises, you are probably not in love.